Dirt Piles and Paper Towels

I remember the first time we attempted to go to the cemetery after she died. It was our first appointment for grief counseling and we were on our way home on the thruway and Vinnie asked me if we should stop. “Our daughter is right over there”. This made me feel some type of way….

Two Faced

I feel the need to write about this. Only because it shows how absolutely ridiculous this grief is. It’s just another reminder that no matter how “ok” you may think you are all it takes is one little gastrointestinal virus to send you into an emotional mess. So this past weekend we had a family…

The First Of The Lasts

I’ve seen the quotes and I’ve heard people say to always hug your loved ones because for all you know, it will be the last time you ever do. Who ever really thinks that though? I always try to but sometimes I leave the house without kissing my husband goodbye if I’m just running right…

Stella’s Song

Alrighty. I really, really, REALLY wanna talk about signs. I LOVE when I find things from her or when she leaves things for me or when she visits. I am fully aware not every one believes in this kind of thing, which I won’t ever understand because it’s so nice to hear from them but I…

#Triggered

Alright. Triggers. Let us talk about triggers. I think my biggest trigger is pregnant women and toddler little girls. It’s weird though because it’s strangers that get me, not friends. I have pregnant friends and friends with little girls. Totally fine with them. I guess it’s again a reminder of what was and then what…

So Much Happens When You’re Sleeping

Time moved so slow in the weeks to follow. It felt like I was standing still and everything was just moving around me. The days were so long, but before we knew it 9pm was here. Everything was a mess. As I said we were sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. I…

Screaming On The Inside

December 31, 2016 While a lot of you are spending the day getting ready for your parties and festivities, we were laying out daughter to rest. I suppose it was a nice grave side service. I honestly don’t even remember much of anything that was said. It didn’t really matter what was said. What was…

Involuntary Tears

December 30, 2016 Wake day is upon us. I don’t remember much of the morning. I remember every one rushing around and getting ready. Our oldest sons girlfriend did Veronicas hair to match the pretty dress she picked out while myself and my best friend were in the bathroom putting “our faces on”. At this point I…

Shadow Boxes & Time Capsules

December 29, 2016 This day was especially crappy. Two days without my baby. It’s already been two days since I have seen or held or kissed my baby. Longest 2 days of my life. On this morning an old friend of mine who is also a hairdresser was kind enough to work me into her…

An Angels Voice

December 28th 2016 I open my eyes and everyone is still asleep.  My husband is on the other side of the couch. Remington was on the air mattress and little Vinnie at some point in the night came on the couch with me. My thoughts start going…. “It’s quiet. It’s tooo quiet. I should be hearing…

“911 What’s Your Emergency”

6:30am “Babe she’s not breathing wake up” “Vinnie, she’s fine” “Babe no she’s not breathing” “Vin she’s not ok!!!!!! WAKE UP STELLA WAKE UP. COME ON WAKE UP. BABY WAKE UP. OH HUNNY SHES GONE” “I CALL 911 RIGHT?!” “YES CALL 911″ “911 what’s your emergency?” “My infant daughter isn’t breathing I need help now.”…

Another 23rd.

UUGGGHHHH… I HATE THIS DAY Well the 23rd day of another month is here. I’m really hoping this 23rd isn’t as bad. I hate the person I am on these days. Actually its the whole week. See she was born 11-23-16 and passed on 12-27. I find that no matter what I do I’m always…