I’ve had this question asked to me more times than I can count on my fingers and my toes. Are we going to have another baby? You don’t understand how loaded that question is. I don’t take offense to it. In my own personal opinion it’s an obvious and somewhat logical question. Some find it insensitive. I don’t. I often ask myself this same question. However it isn’t that easy to say yes or no. The answer and feeling for myself also changes like the weather here. One second it’s a bright and sunny SURE and the next it’s a dark grey and gloomy no. I’m also pretty sure another baby would also put my husband in the ground and I don’t have the money for all that right now.
So, sometimes I freak out and think “I NEED another baby”. I don’t need another baby. My body just had a baby so I should be doing all the things you would do with a new baby (its hard to remember that she wouldn’t be so new anymore. Last time I held her she was still so fresh). Changing diapers, holding this baby, loving this baby, nursing this baby. It’s the mother instinct you have for your children except with this one my motherly instinct for this baby is literally lost. Kind of like a road trip and you missed your exit. Or taking a wrong turn to be met with a bunch of one way streets. It doesn’t know what to do or where to go, so my body’s instinct is to have another one. Then my logical senses kick in and say “simmer down you don’t need another baby. Take that one way street to that one way street and meet back on planet Earth.” I don’t need another baby I needed her. I wanted her. She belonged with us. God, or whatever you believe in had other ideas.
Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have another baby. What I would do differently. What I would do the same. Baby names for girls and boys. I’ve also decided that this nonexistent child would have no family name in it. It would have a name all of it’s own. I’ve also decided that no matter how unexpected or unplanned it would be, we would be happy and excited no matter how scared we would be. Truth in my book is that babies pick you and God decides if it is a good fit. How could you not be happy about that? How could you not feel so blessed that a being you haven’t even met knows you and decided and that’s where they want to be no matter how much time they have or don’t have. Our baby girl didn’t have a whole lot of time but she decided that what she had she wanted to spend with us. She wanted us to love her and hold her and protect her until it was her time. I mean, put all the agony and despair and sadness and all that aside…. I kinda feel a little I don’t know…. How many people can say they met an angel or held one in their hands? I believe my girl was born an angel already. I did. I held one and loved one in the physical world. I was literally touched by an angel. If we go as far as to believe that God and Heaven and all that is some magical place and these beings are the highest of high then what does that say for us that one of these higher beings chose us? Wouldn’t that be one of the highest blessings then? I’m not sure. I don’t know how any of this works. Then again my religious views aren’t exactly text book either so… There’s that. However I can say that once something like this happens it does seriously make you question your religious beliefs and also spiritual beliefs. I can say I have opened myself up spiritually since this has happened. I have not grown to hate my God. I mean I might be a little disappointed, but I have to believe there was a greater purpose. As I said before I’m pretty sure I know what her purpose was and that I would explain it in a later post and I will. It just hasn’t been the time for it yet. I don’t have a very large audience as of now and I feel like if I went on to explain that, people might think I’m a little crazy.
We are pretty sure we don’t want anymore children. We both are an anxious mess the whole first year anyways for this exact reason and now that this has become our reality and we have seen the dark side to this whole baby thing…. No thank you. We are both afraid of babies now. However.. I do believe that we need to give it some time, not do anything permanent and revisit the subject at a later date. It’s not like we are just happy where we are with our family and the question is as simple as “should we or shouldn’t we?”. We lost one. That changes the game completely. I do believe that because of that and how sensitive we both are that no matter what we decide both peoples feelings need to be taken into serious consideration. When I got pregnant with Stella we actually didn’t know if we wanted more. Well actually I did and Vinnie didn’t. I was sad he didn’t but overall I was alright. I felt him not wanting more was more important than me wanting more. We already have kids. He wasn’t taking anything from me by not wanting to have another one. I didn’t NEED another child I WANTED another child. I would have gotten over it in due time. I feel like with something like this no ones feelings about wanting or not wanting another child outweighs the other. Both parties are equally valid and need to be taken into serious consideration. It can’t be a quick no or a quick yes. Now both people need to think about it both selfishly and selflessly.
Here’s the thing… When it works out, it’s amazing. It is always worth it though. No matter which way it goes they are our children and they are always worth the ride no matter how crazy or devastating it is or becomes. I hate to think that this has scared me into making a decision such as that based out of fear and not love. I want to be able to make that life altering decision based on love and not because I’m afraid to go through this again. I was just thinking about the early days and weeks and thinking about how far we’ve come from those days and weeks. I remember how I felt. How lost and disoriented I was. How I couldn’t think straight or clear. How I would count down the minutes until Vinnie came home from work because I was so alone and so hurt. Then I think that I can’t have that happen again. I look at my children and see how hurt they are. It’s been 7 months but it feels like only 7 days since it happened. Time has been flying by. Funny thing about time. It does help heal. I look at it like.. I’ve made it 7 months. I can make it another 7 months. I’ve managed to stay above the water for that long. I can do this. I won’t let this own me. Just last night while putting the boys to bed and Vinnie Jr sometimes is a little bit of a challenge to get to sleep because, well, he’s a little nuts with a big dash of defiant. So he sits up and says ” Mommy. Check out my wings” and spreads his arms open. I laughed. It was funny. The night before that Remington was having a hard time, wanted his Daddy to come up so he did but then went back down stairs. Remington scratches him self says “Ow. I scratched myself with my piggy toe”. He and I died laughing. Remington has probably the best laugh. Its like a cackle. It’s great. Point is, I’m not going to allow myself to miss out on these little things because my heart is so broken. Children have a way of healing you. It’s their innocence but yet they can be so wise and pure. I’m not perfect and I need an Ativan to go to sleep or I dream of things I don’t want to dream about. My anxiety takes over and the flashbacks just play on repeat. I take Prozac. I got bombarded with losing my baby and also postpartum depression. It felt like the safest thing to do. I’m not above admitting when I need some serious help and I needed it. It’s all temporary though. Lets get through the first 2 years and then reevaluate.
Another baby will not make us complete. She made our family complete. She was the missing piece. You can’t replace that. Although thinking about another baby right now sounds like a nice idea…but then the anxiety comes in to play. I think “well hell I couldn’t keep her alive what makes me think I can another baby” even though I know I didn’t do anything to her. That’s not enough though. I feel like our luck has turned over. We have all these healthy children lets not push it. We already lost one. Lets not continue to temp fate. Funny thing. I get a little crazy when I’m pregnant. I feel like if I feel anything other than happy and excited God will punish me in some way and take the baby back. No I know. It’s totally crazy. I remember thinking when this happened and I may have even said it out load to Vinnie that I don’t understand because I was so happy and I was so excited to be her mom. Why couldn’t I keep her? Then I thought, well maybe I was toooo happy. Maybe it was because I prayed for another girl. I would have been just as happy if it were another boy. Boys are… A little different (as it was best put to me a few weeks ago). Then I think, well maybe we weren’t ready. Or maybe we made too many mistakes and didn’t deserve her. These are all crazy thoughts but this is what you think when you are met with something like this. You look for a reason. There is no reason. Sometimes these things just happen. You can do everything right and “by the book” and it just doesn’t matter. So given that I think. Well why not. Oh yea… Then I think.. Well I do love my husband and I would like to keep him around as long as possible. Also what would that do to my children? I can’t even imagine instilling that kind of anxiety into them. I used to catch Remington accidentally waking up Little Vinnie because he was checking him to make sure he was still breathing. HE WAS 3 (almost 4)!!! I don’t think I can do that to them. If it were to happen on it’s own that’s one thing but I don’t think I can make the choice to do that. I think if they were to lose another sibling or have to wake up the way they woke up that morning it would just kill them and jade them in a way they shouldn’t have to be.
I was already having a hard time after I had her thinking that she was the last one. That part of my life was over. Chapter closed. Moving on to the next. it made me so sad to say good bye to this part of my life. It was just a change. I had to get used to it. At the end of the day I was fine with that but it was also a choice we made. We didn’t make this choice. Not only were we done because we just were but now its totally different. For right now today we are done because we are afraid to continue having children. Fear. I hate fear. I hate being afraid. I do however applaud the ones who can get pregnant immediately following a loss. That’s some gutsy shit. Those parents said “I am afraid but I won’t let that stop me”. That’s brave. Right now we are saying “I am afraid and that is stopping me”. I hate that. All in all I think we are doing the right thing. For our individual situation I don’t think we could “mend” if another baby was thrown into the mix right now or even months from now. People will say “don’t even think about that right now.” Super simple to say when you haven’t just lost your infant. Super simple to say when you haven’t just given birth.
There are days when I want another baby real bad. Then I just realize that I don’t want ANOTHER baby…. I want THAT baby back. I want her back. I just…. want her back.