Stella’s Song

Alrighty. I really, really, REALLY wanna talk about signs. I LOVE when I find things from her or when she leaves things for me or when she visits. I am fully aware not every one believes in this kind of thing, which I won’t ever understand because it’s so nice to hear from them but I get it. I support whatever you believe or don’t believe. I fully understand some people view signs from the passed on as “evil”. So I guess if you’re one of those people this particular post probably isn’t one you’ll enjoy so much.

MOVING ON!

I have heard a lot of moms say “ya know I’ve been waiting and waiting to get a sign from my baby and I am just getting nothing… I keep looking and looking….”

PUMP THE BREAKS!!!

STOP LOOKING!! STOP TRYING TO FIND THEM!!

“Stop? Deirdre. What do you mean STOP?”

Exactly what I said. Stop. If you’re looking for them you won’t see them. If you are absolutely fixated on finding them you will miss them entirely. Chances are extremely good that your special angel has thrown you a few signs to say “hey” or dropped a few feathers that you ignored because I have done it so many times before I lost my baby. Let me ask you this… How many times have you’ve seen a bright red Cardinal that starts signing as soon as you walk by? Chances are almost certain that’s a loved one. Grandma. Grandpa. Even better.. Your child. How many times have you seen a little feather in your path and walked around it? Probably a ton because I’ve done the same. Here’s the deal though. Those feathers mean something. A little glimpse into the “spiritual world”.. The color of said feather means something also. It holds a certain message.

My little girl… She was small but man oh man is she mighty powerful. She has thrown me sooooo many signs and played so many games on us I have lost count. I can’t remember the first one she sent though. Well maybe I can. I’ll just pick up where I remember and go from there.

Target. Vinnie Sr and I went to target a few days or so after the funeral. I needed to get out of the house and I needed some alone time with my husband and the father to the baby I just buried. So we go to target. I was on a kick to get my house back in shape and I needed an actual hamper in the bathroom. We go to one store, couldn’t really find what we were looking for. We did find some other pointless things though, so, ya know, it wasn’t a total waste of gas or time. On to Target we went. While we were there he also got me my Christmas present which was a new vacuum (lol #momproblems #mysharkisamazing). As we were there I decided I wanted to get the special police officer who took such good care of me and my boys on that awful morning something special and personal. I felt like a thank you card just wasn’t enough for all this man did. Any who. We have things in our hands. A couple of movies. A couple of boxes of fruit snacks. Some applesauce in a pouch because that was Remington’s latest obsession. For some reason the same two things kept falling out of my husbands hands. I laughed the first couple times because well….he got irritated and it was funny. It seemed the harder we laughed the more these two things kept falling. We decided, hey, let us get a basket to carry our things and maybe we will stop dropping things. Well…… Can I tell you? Those same two things still managed to fall out of the basket. The basket wasn’t filled to the rim. I have zero doubt that it was the work of my daughter. We finally get home and go to take the bags out of the car and guess what….. THOSE SAME TWO THINGS FELL OUT OF THE BAG!! My husband just looked up and said “OK HUNNY I SEE YOU I GET IT. I MISS YOU TOO”

Veronicas first day back to school after everything happened. She decided she wanted to go. If she felt she was ready I wasn’t going to stop her. The worst that could happen is that I would get a call saying she needed to come home and I would go get her. On the way home that Creed song came on the radio “With Arms Wide Open”. Sign number one. First of all that song never comes on the radio anymore. I instantly thought of her. Was that even a sign? I honestly don’t know but I took it as one. Sign number two happened about 15 minutes later when I got home and went in the basement. I went down there to get Remington some clothes because he had a date with me at Target to get some crayons and a sketch book and his own pencil box for his crayons. We have a light down there. It works.. Sort of. It actually hardly ever works. As I’m down there looking through some clothes all of a sudden with a little pop this light turns on. I laughed. She was making damn sure I got her message. I believe it was also a little of “look what I can do mommy!”. After that the signs just rolled in like wild-fire.

A funny one was actually one that my father in law got. Every now and then Target sends out an ad kind of but its more of a booklet with some coupons on it. Well it came to his house with his deceased daughters name and it was all full of baby stuff. I  take this as “hey Dad and Papa. We are together and just saying hi”

She loves to move things. A butter knife. A nail. A picture. So, every body knows the song by Robert Munsch “I’ll like you forever, I’ll love you for always, As long as I’m living My baby you’ll be”. I was so sick of hearing this until my daughter died. After she died it made perfect sense to me. Here’s a little bit of information about the author of this poem or song. He calls it a song. He and his wife had two babies born sleeping. After they were born he kept singing this song in his head and it became, as it seems, sort of, a coping thing for him. Some years later he would share it with the world. I wonder though what kind of meaning it holds to parents who haven’t lost a child? I wonder if they see it as just some cute little poem or song? I had found this painted on a piece of wood and I decided to do a memory wall for her (we will talk about that in a different post) and hang this up with all the other things. One morning when I woke up to get Veronica off to school we noticed the picture was off a nail and just kind of hanging on a slant. I know for a fact that it wasn’t that way before bed as I usually take a minute and look at her pictures before I go up and it’s not really something that can be explained by saying “the cat knocked it off”. The nails that this picture rests on are to long for something like that to happen.

Feathers. In some of my social media support groups I’ve heard moms talk about finding feathers and I always thought the idea was nuts mostly because I think feathers are gross thinking of whatever gross parasite infested bird it fell from. Until it happened to me. These are different. They don’t look like feathers that fell off a bird. They are white fluffy little feathers. I chalk it up to it’s because she’s small so of course her wings aren’t big enough yet for full-grown feathers. Easter of this year. I was a little upset because it was the first holiday we had without her. All I could think about was what it was like to have her for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was in a pretty bad mood. That and it was also the first time I decided to see the clothes she was wearing the morning she died. I held those clothes and for the first time in months I finally remembered what it felt like to hold her. I feel like my brain was blocking it out for a while in order to allow me to start to mend some. You would think this would have put me in a good place mentally. It didn’t. We came home and as I was walking up the driveway from out of nowhere, right in front of my face there comes a little white fluffy feather just falling from the sky. There were no birds around. I left it. I didn’t pick it up and bring It up like I wanted because I felt that at this point Vinnie was probably already thinking I was nuts and this would probably seal that idea right up for him. Later that night after it had rained and winds picked up I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I decided to go down and see if by some chance it was still there… Right by the door there it was! A perfect white, also wet, fluffy baby feather. I couldn’t believe it. How was this tiny little thing not washed or blown away by the wind and rain we just got?. I brought it up and put it in a bag. I didn’t care how crazy he thought I was.

My second encounter with a feather was just last weekend as I was cleaning out my van. It was gross. Crumbs everywhere. I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was time. It was sooo time to clean this puppy out. I vacuumed the seats then put them down under the floor and vacuumed the floors. There was no reason for this little perfect white and gray feather to be sticking up on the floor of the van that I just thoroughly vacuumed. One of the meanings of a grey and white feather is peace. Look into it. Start to pay attention.

Third encounter actually doesn’t belong to me it belongs to my husband. He’s not as sensitive to these things though so he misses them. Remington wanted to build a little garden so as Vinnie was building his garden he flips over a piece of the wood he cut and there stuck to the piece of wood is a nice, fluffy, little white feather with a little bit of gray in it. I laughed, jumped off my stool and grabbed it. I totally believe that was her way of telling him to simmer down. For some reason he was a little on edge. I found it funny though that even spirit was telling him to simmer. So not only does he have me telling him but he also his baby watching and telling him.

Another time with feathers was while I was writing my last post I believe. We live in a city so the houses are right next to each other with a driveway in between. We also live in a second story flat. As I’m writing this post I look out of my window and I had the blinds pulled up, which I never do, and all I see is a shower of little white fluffy feathers just flying around in a circle. Here’s the thing though…. There wasn’t any wind that would explain why the feathers were moving and also why they would have been so high up. Also there weren’t any birds around. Once I finally acknowledge the display that was outside my window it died down a bit. It was hysterical though. I just kept by eyes on my computer and kept typing as the feather shower got a little more intense I finally laughed out loud, looked out of the window and said, “ok baby girl momma sees you and its very pretty. I love it thank you so much.”  She most certainly likes to be acknowledged. Its funny too because once I acknowledge her I can picture her giving a satisfied little giggle.

Think I’m crazy yet lol?

I’ve had a butterfly come by. An actual butterfly though. Not one of those white things that resembles a butterfly. A bright yellow and black butterfly. Funny thing about butterfly’s is that I NEVER see them. It almost is like they don’t exist here. They do. They are just scarce is all.

OH! I almost forgot this one also. My nephew got one from her also. It was his birthday on June 4th and as he drove by the cemetery where she is laid to rest he and his mom were talking about signs and how would you know if you get one and all that. Well as they were talking about this a Metro bus rolls by with her name on. It’s actually an advertisement for Stella Rosa. But come on now! She also bought a watermelon not to long ago and the sticker on it saying where it came from ya know… Well this watermelon of course had to come from “Stella Farms”. Why not? Of all watermelons to pick up and take home of course it’s this one. She didn’t even see this sticker until she got home.

SIGNS ARE EVERYWHERE!!

Finally my favorite. My Cardinal. It’s one specific Cardinal that follows me around. “Well Deirdre come on. How do you know its the same one?”. I just know. I know the song. It’s the same one every time. Same notes. Always catches my attention. When she first starting coming in this form she was a little uneasy and not so bright in color. I would catch her on the porch and as soon as she would see me she would fly away. Think of a baby just learning to walk. A little wobbly. Mostly unsteady. That’s kind of how her fly was. She quickly became a pro. She does keep her distance though. She pops up at important times also. The first time I brought Veronica to the cemetery. Usually there is a ton of crows and black birds there, this one day though there were none. All of a sudden I hear a whole lot of noise. I look up and there she is. Sitting in a tree way above us. Her voice is so loud. Which maybe it makes sense because when she was alive she had such a soft cry and a soft little voice. So I guess it would make sense that on that side it would be the opposite. Oh! Mothers day! At my mother’s house. I was outside I heard her in a tree but I couldn’t see her so I told her “where are you I can’t see you” a second later she comes down a few branches so I could see her. She sang to me for a minute and then left. Veronicas little end of year celebration at school a couple of weeks ago. Remmie and I were walking back to the car as I lined up with a tree… There’s her song and I found her took a picture and zoomed in. When I zoomed in and looked at her she was perched on the tree branch but was just about transparent with a little purple glow around her. My favorite so far I think would have to be my birthday. I was almost positive that the day was going to suck when I went to bed the night before. I was right. The good thing about the day though was being woken up to my daughters song. Nothing will make you cry happy, sad tears faster than that. She was the first one of the kids to wish me a happy birthday. It was so special and something I will never forget it.

I guess what I’m saying is stop focusing more on the “I haven’t gotten any signs” and start being open. When you are desperately looking for the signs you are never going to receive them. Or you will take everything as a sign. Trust me when I tell you, when a message is ment for you, you will know, without a doubt. Let them come to you. I  know I talk to my baby girl in my head all day long sometimes, and sometimes I’ll even ask her to send me a sign. I might not get it for a few weeks but when I do I know it. She seems to also come to me when I’m really having a bad day. It seems as though our souls are connected. If you can imagine it feels like it goes deeper than a mother baby bond. I can’t really explain it right now. So I guess… That’s a different post…. For a different day…. A little further down the line.

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