Screaming On The Inside

December 31, 2016

While a lot of you are spending the day getting ready for your parties and festivities, we were laying out daughter to rest.

I suppose it was a nice grave side service. I honestly don’t even remember much of anything that was said. It didn’t really matter what was said. What was done was done. Nothing was bringing my baby girl back. I have my own beliefs when it comes to all of that which I will touch on in future posts. I do remember the priest saying something like not to blame God and this wasn’t his will….. Umm ok so then what exactly do you believe then? I thought God had control of all of that? Now he doesn’t? I don’t believe that “God” only takes credit for the good things. He definitely had his hand in this. That’s ok. I’m not directly pissed at him. I have to believe that my baby is in good hands right? The kids decided to sit this out and stay at home. Was that a better option? I’m not sure really. Was that the right thing for them to do? Again I’m not really sure. What I am sure of though is that the past 4 days they traveled way outside of their comfort zone and that they were pretty much tapped out. I wasn’t going to push them. I didn’t even want to go and have to do this I wasn’t going to make them do it. If I remember it was cold and it snowed at some point. I don’t think it was snowing during this service though I could be wrong. I remember it being cold but I also remember I didn’t feel cold. I was not cold at all. Her little casket was to the right of us. I hardly looked at it. I remember driving up and seeing the casket there, I also remember feeling very happy not to see a hearse anywhere in sight. Maybe this sounds horrid but I couldn’t wait for it to be over. At the same time I didn’t want it to end. This was the last time that my baby would be above ground. Close enough to touch. Close enough to hold.

It’s over. Our families start walking down the aisle they set out. I never in my life thought I could feel so many emotions at one time. Half of me wanted to stay there forever and hold on to that little casket and the other half wanted to run as far away as I could as fast as I could. Which, funny thing… I JUST HAD A BABY. I wasn’t running around anywhere anytime real soon. So I decided to just stay and clutch that box that held my heart in it. My husband and I stood there for a good few minutes crying as hard as I think we ever have in our entire lives and that’s all we could do. Hold each other…Cry…and then cry more.

It’s such a helpless feeling. Every one is hurting so bad and there’s nothing anyone can do to make it stop. Nobody can bring our baby back. My mother grabbed me and walked me away from her casket. In all reality that was probably the only way I was walking away from it anyways. I mean thinking about it as parents, the one thing we hate most is when our children feel pain. Of any kind. A skinned knee. When their feelings get hurt by some punk at the playground. Now her daughter is feeling the most pain she ever has or ever will feel in her entire life, and she can’t fix it. She can’t make it stop. A hug and a popsicle won’t fix this. So reaction is to remove your child from what is hurting them. That’s exactly what she did. NO, I was not ready to leave her. I never was going to be ready to leave her. I feel the same with my children and my husband. I just want to take their pain away. I can’t. All I can do, is try to make them understand what’s happened. Which, how can i help them understand something I myself don’t understand? Hold them when they cry. Talk about it when they want to or need to. Talk about her when they want to remember out loud how cute she was. Go upstairs and pull out her clothes that she wore and remember how cute she looked in this or that. Then it sucks getting to the ones she never got to wear. Then all we can say is “I bet she would have looked so pretty in this”. Stare at the box of diapers that only has 1 pack removed from it and not even used up. Look at the full, unopened box of diapers that she never got to and will never get to. I can’t part with them. They were HERS. They were meant to be worn on her tush. I have thought about giving them away but I can’t. They were bought for my baby. The baby that SHOULD still be here with us.

After the funeral we had a brunch at a nice little place my dad and step mother frequent. Food was great…. But….At this particular time the drinks were better. Our small children arrived at the restaurant a little after we did. When we got there Vinnie and myself stayed in the car a few minutes pulled the picture boards out from the wake and looked at her. It was the first time in days that we were able to see a picture of her and smile and even laugh. She used to make one particular face where she looked just like a baby gorilla. My husband used to call her gorilla face….sweet I know…and we laughed about that. Then there was my favorite face she made. She sort of looked like she was thinking. While at the brunch my Remington developed this spaced out look in his eyes. deliberately did the opposite of what we said. I knew what was going on. This pain has now traveled to his soul. His pain got to the point where it was overwhelming him enough to the point where his brain just took over and put him into autopilot. I knew exactly what he was feeling. I knew the flashbacks I had to endure and I could imagine he was dealing with a little of the same. Now he had clung to daddy through all of this. After all. He and daddy woke up at the same time that morning so to him, he and daddy experienced this together.

When we got home he was a wild man. Vinnie Sr thought he got into some ones drink. I knew he didn’t. There were more than enough adults there to make sure that would not happen and the boy knows better anyways. He then proceeded to beat the piss out of his absolute favorite r/c helicopter. Now my boy LOVES helicopters. He has since before his first birthday. R/c helicopters were his favorite thing in his whole world. Until his baby sister was born. See what’s going on here? It’s a little hard to explain. This is also very common in children who suffer a loss this close. They destroy the things they love most. You’ll have to google the science behind it though. I’m not very good at explaining things like this. After I saw him doing this I had to get out of the house. So big Vinnie took me to the grocery store. I mean it is New Years Eve and every year we have a “party”. Mostly consists of having one of the major networks on dancing to the music and eating snacks until the ball drops. This year was going to be no different. They had to see that somethings were still the same. They also have been looking forward to it since last New Years.

I cried all throughout the store. I looked around and wanted to be anywhere else. Yes I understand everyone has their things going on that no one knows about. Every ones life isn’t perfect. I’m also willing to bet nobody else in that store was suffering in the same way we were. Everyone looked happy and light on their feet. Meanwhile here I was looking like an absolute train wreck. Brown pajama pants with deers on them with a purple fleece jacket SLIPPERS and my hairs a mess. Honestly a train wreck probably looked more together than I did. Again another little lesson from a stranger. Next time you see someone out looking like a train wreck…. Don’t take the picture and post it. You never know what exactly it is they are dealing with. Nobody looking at me knew I just buried my infant. Nobody knew how my life was falling apart. All they saw was a mess in pajamas, crying holding her husband’s hand. In the back seat I could see the minor indents of where her car seat base used to be hooked in. On the floor in our living room I saw the indents of where her swing used to stay. But,, If you were someone just walking in our house, you would never know that in the beginning of the week there was a baby that used to live there. All of these things were just a reminder of what was. A picture of the past. A painful reminder of what I don’t have and how my family is torn apart at the core. How everything in our life had to change. I remember sitting at the kitchen table by myself that evening watching the video of when she was born and they were weighing her and checking her over and of course she was crying. I needed to watch it.  I NEEDED so badly to hear her cry. To see her ALIVE. Of course i started bawling my eyes out. But this cry was different. This cry was coming from the deepest part of my shattered soul. My Vinnie saw me and took me downstairs to my brother in laws empty apartment and we cried together for a while. We haven’t really been alone since this whole thing happened. So it was nice to just have a few minutes with eachother alone.

The day she left she took a big piece of all of us with her. Our missing puzzle piece was once again missing. Only thing is that now…even if another baby did come along….we will always be incomplete. I will always feel a type of sadness even when I feel happy. There will ALWAYS be a hole in our hearts that can’t be filled. I also can only speak for myself and I’m pretty sure Vinnie Sr. I may smile a genuine smile but on the inside I’m literally screaming. There’s like a super small little me on the inside on her knees, grabbing her heart and screaming the loudest scream imaginable. I will be that way for a very long time. For the current time being, family functions suck. My family is not complete. Now my life is divided. There’s before Stella and after Stella.

How are we doing now? How did we manage the first few weeks after Stella? How did we find our new normal…? What’s my out look? What is my take away?

Well my beautiful people… As always… That’s a different post… For a different day…. A little further down the line.

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